Mohadesa Najumi’s above quote sticks with me, always. When I feel inadequate, less than and simply not good enough. It makes me push past the negative thoughts and it rings in the back of my mind whenever I feel even an ounce of hopelessness.
This concept of validation is interesting. Why do we need it? Why do we instantly feel better after hitting more than a few likes on our Facebook profile pictures? Or when our follower count on Instagram goes up? I know this debate on social media and validation has been said and done, but I mention social media because it plays an integral part in this generation. Especially in regards to my view that validation doesn’t just lie within societies view of us, but our view of ourselves within society.
For as hard as it may be to digest this: We all allow ourselves to get caught up in living for others, and not living for ourselves. We allow ourselves to be pushed around by societal expectations of happiness, success and wealth. Unfortunately within our fickle society, if you aren’t posting a brunch pic on a Saturday, do you even have friends? If you aren’t posting pictures of your office view of the harbour, are you even successful? And if you aren’t posting pictures of your latest luxury purchase, you’re obviously not earning enough with that job you have with the harbour view. And if you choose privacy, then you’re just strange and not worthy at all.
And I’m not saying I’m perfect and I don’t post my brunch pictures, I of course, do. And I too, allow society to dictate my actions at times. But not as much as I used to allow it. And since I read Najumi’s quote, less often than ever. It hit me hard. And when I read and reread her words over and over, it all started to make sense.
In a society where being a ‘feminist’ is considered a negative thing and in a society where women are judged for their looks above all else, I should not allow it to weigh me down and squeeze all the happiness out of me. Instead, I should aim to be feared. Not in a way that I’m intimidating and cruel—but feared that i am not one to push around and I am not one who will back down. I am not one who will accept the labels society pushes on me.
Its really that simple. If I do not seek validation from society, a society which wishes for me to remain submissive to the status quo, if I reject the notion of validation from those around me, whether that be men, other women or my Instagram followers—I will be feared. Even now, the word feared has a negative connotation attached to it when I type it out. But don’t shy away from this concept. It is through these connotations that we allow society to attach to these words in the context of women that causes us to accept our fate as quiet, and times, unconfident. So for me, as long as I am doing the right thing and saying the right thing, there is no reason for me to even consider the criticism I receive for rejecting the need for validation.
So to the women who may be reading this: Take every comment, criticism and negative look your way with a grain of salt, (not even that!) And if they say you’re feisty or fiery or straight up loud, to that, I say you are feared. When a man confuses your assertiveness or confidence with being ‘emotional’, don’t lose heart- it just means you’re feared. To be feared means you’re finally living for yourself. To be feared is to be confident in your resistance to societal constructs. To be feared is to be heard-no matter what. And so from now on, I do not accept being pushed down and seen as a girl who must behave in accordance to society’s idea of righteousness and femininity. My thoughts and actions will not be subdued and ultimately, misconstrued.
I say all this because I have to let you know, I fell. I fell under the weight of expectations and the way society measures happiness and success. I fell hard. I felt the pain of my fall right to my very core. But I made the decision to get back up. And I know, sometimes the healing hurts more. To push past social norms and decide to do what is best for you, instead of what you have been told to do. Sometimes this can hurt more so than the fall. And I may fall again, for the notion of being feared isn’t achievable in one day. It takes years to remove every last bit of conformity and the urge to find validation from others from your soul. But the courage to get back up is what defines you. The fall does not. So for as of right now: I do not seek any validation, for I do not require any validation. For I wish to be one of the feared ones. For the feared ones, are the ones who find true happiness.
I say all this because I have to let you know, I fell. I fell under the weight of expectations and the way society measures happiness and success. I fell hard. I felt the pain of my fall right to my very core. But I made the decision to get back up. And I know, sometimes the healing hurts more. To push past social norms and decide to do what is best for you, instead of what you have been told to do. Sometimes this can hurt more so than the fall. And I may fall again, for the notion of being feared isn’t achievable in one day. It takes years to remove every last bit of conformity and the urge to find validation from others from your soul. But the courage to get back up is what defines you. The fall does not. So for as of right now: I do not seek any validation, for I do not require any validation. For I wish to be one of the feared ones. For the feared ones, are the ones who find true happiness.
And for 2018, that is all that I hope for.
